


(n)either/(n)or

by riverblujay



Series: adventures in gender [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Agender Virgil, Demiboy Roman, Gen, M/M, Nonbinary Virgil Sanders, slight dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 00:51:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15984089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riverblujay/pseuds/riverblujay
Summary: "At some point, Virgil just stopped bothering with the hassle of taking off the bracelet."(or: virgil and life in the inbetween)





	(n)either/(n)or

**Author's Note:**

> so this was actually inspired by a comment on the prequel to roman vs the gender binary i posted last week. 
> 
> "but gosh the fact they use they exclusively for themself......now I'm just imagining them one day keeping the they bracelet on and never taking it off" (kireiflora)
> 
> so this happened,,,
> 
> (the dysphoria is mild, but if you want to skip it skip from "some days were worse than others" to "i wasn’t sure exactly how much social interaction you would want to deal with”

At some point, Virgil just stopped bothering with the hassle of taking off the bracelet.

It had been many, many months since they had come out to the sides, and even a few months since they had come out to Thomas. The other sides were… used to the idea, they supposed, and even Roman had figured out that he wasn’t cis either. 

The pronoun necklace Logan had gotten for Roman  _ worked _ for them, since he actually seemed to be comfortable with either “he” or “they.” The creative side used both pieces of jewelry to an almost equal measure, which Virgil wished they could do. Whenever they wore a bracelet, it was always the “they/them” one, on the days when they simply couldn’t stand the masculine pronoun.

Lately, though, Virgil just- stopped. Taking it off. And then only occasionally putting it back on. (Or, rather, nowadays they took it off for videos but that was it.) Patton, Logan, and Roman hadn’t specifically said anything about it, but they did always use the proper pronouns.

Thomas had been good about it, too. He, Roman, and Virgil had eventually had a discussion on the topic of their genders, in which Virgil admitted they didn’t necessarily want to come out to the entire internet (a perspective Roman currently shared). Thomas, of course, had been entirely understanding and the topic of Virgil or Roman’s genders hadn’t been brought up outside of when it naturally came up in conversation (though Thomas always made sure to use the correct pronouns as well).

Virgil knew their consistent use of the they/them bracelet would come up at some point, because they were realistic. Eventually, one of the others would say something. They just weren’t sure when.

 

\---

 

“Virgil,” Logan hesitantly began one night at dinner, “I have a question.”

“Uh, okay?”

The logical side fidgeted as he spoke. “And I want you to answer me honestly.”

Not that the others hadn’t been paying attention before, but now their sole focus was on them and Logan. Virgil suspected where this was going, and sighed before adding on, “Alright,” using a suspicious tone as though they were unsure of Logan’s thoughts.

Reassured, he continued. “I’ve noticed that- well- you don’t take off the “they/them” bracelet much anymore. In fact,” he frowned in thought, “it’s really only when we film that you remove it. Did you want us to switch to exclusively using they/them pronouns for you?”

They bit their lip, and the other sides stared at them in hesitant curiosity.

“...I wouldn’t mind it if you did,” they mumbled, though Virgil knew that their response was loud enough to be heard.

“Aw, kiddo,” Patton said, “Why didn’t you mention it sooner? We wouldn’t have minded.”

“I guess I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it or make too much trouble when I first told you, and it wasn’t terrible most of the time.”

“So…” Roman trailed off. “You really wanted to not use masculine pronouns at all, even when we first found out, but thought it would be a bother to us?” the creative side snorted. “That’s so  _ you, _ Virgil.”

They laughed somewhat darkly. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Well,” Logan stated. “We will adjust accordingly.”

“It’s not like you haven’t already, honestly,” Virgil added. 

“I suppose,” Roman mused. “Still good to know.”

“I guess.”

“It _ is _ a good thing, Virgil!” Patton exclaimed. “I know you don’t want to make a big deal out of it, but I hope you know that we want you to not be afraid of being yourself around us, whatever that self may be.”

Virgil was attempting to force down tears at that, honestly. How had they gotten so amazingly lucky? The others had completely accepted them, never doubted them. Hell, after the first- two weeks, they were pretty sure- Patton, Roman, and Logan hadn’t even misgendered them. They didn’t mind it when Virgil wore androgynous or more feminine coded clothes, wore makeup, any of it.

It was, quite frankly, amazing. 

 

\---

 

Some days were worse than others.

In terms of dysphoria, that is. Virgil didn’t think they experienced dysphoria too much (honestly, when they saw the new wave of posts on tumblr about gender  _ euphoria _ \- which to them was probably being recognized as not a boy or a girl- they related to that concept a lot more). But when they did feel dysphoric, it hit them hard. Some days even the _ idea  _ of their reflection hurt. It was hard for them to pinpoint exactly what it was that was causing the terrible feeling of  _ awful wrong not me _ . 

They sometimes hated the in between. Because being trans in general was more  _ hey, I’m not this, but I’m exactly this  _ (not totally, but still) _. _ Roman understood a little, but they (he) were still sometimes okay with the part of the spectrum further to one side. Versus Virgil, who just  _ wasn’t. _

A knock on the door brought them out of their spiraling thoughts. Virgil acknowledged the person (side) who had approached their room but pulled the covers tighter over their body as they lay in bed.

“Hey,” Patton said as he entered their room. “Bad day?”

Virgil knew what the moral side was referring to. “Mm,” they mumbled.

“Come on,” Patton eased. “Let’s do something.” Patton’s hand on their shoulder was a slight comfort- contact, but only a little and in a place that didn’t affect their dysphoria (because dysphoria was strange like that and even the smallest or weirdest things could worsen it).

Virgil sighed, but nonetheless managed to drag themself out of bed- mostly for Patton’s sake, so that he didn’t spend any more time in their room than necessary. The pair made their way to the commons, the anxious side noting that Roman and Logan were conveniently absent. 

“I wasn’t sure exactly how much social interaction you would want to deal with,” Patton stated casually when they mentioned it.

They loved Patton so much. 

(Sure, Roman and Logan were dating now, had been for some time, but Virgil and Patton were close in a different way-  _ queerplatonic _ was probably the word the internet would use to describe it. Virgil didn’t think their relationship (if one could call it that) necessarily needed a label. Like themself, it just  _ was _ , and they and Patton were perfectly fine with that.)

Virgil smiled at him, and together they sat at the table, discussing anything and everything, at some point deciding to make hot chocolate and watch movies together. Patton made Virgil laugh, and at some point they started to feel somewhat better, which they supposed wasn’t terrible. 

 

\---

 

Virgil knew, inevitably, they would have to tell Thomas about their pronouns.

Sure, he was always careful about using the right ones for them, but Virgil figured that Thomas deserved to know. All of the other sides did, and they put off telling Thomas about their gender for so long that they probably owed him this.

The day wasn’t a special one, it wasn’t even really planned- the sides had been just hanging out with Thomas in the living room, and as the others left, Virgil hesitated.

“Virgil?” he asked. “You good? Not that I mind you hanging around more, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Sorry if I overstepped,” Thomas added at the end, hurriedly and maybe a little nervously (which didn’t totally help Virgil, and almost made them abandon the whole attempt).

They frowned slightly. “Just had something to talk with you about, I guess. I feel like I… owe it to you? I guess.”

“You don’t owe me anything, Virgil,” Thomas said softly. “Don’t feel like you have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me.”

“No, I want to,” they continued. “I guess… you know how I haven’t really taken off the they/them bracelet much except for filming, recently?”

“Yeah,” Thomas stated, waiting for them to keep going.

“Well,” Virgil started, “Logan asked about it a few nights ago, and if I wanted the rest of them to start using, like, only they/them pronouns for me. Which- I wouldn’t mind it if you did that too,” they mumbled. 

Thomas, to his credit, was pretty good at controlling his outward expression. “Of course, Virgil, I wouldn’t mind at all,” he said with a smile.

“...Thanks,” they said quietly, giving him a small smile. “I’m still not totally ready for the entire internet to know, though,” Virgil added. They frowned. “Honestly, I don’t know if I would ever be ready for everyone to know.”

“Which is also perfectly okay,” he reassured. “...Do you want to just, I don’t know- chill for awhile? You don’t have to.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” they replied. “Coffee?”

Thomas gave them another small grin, dimples showing despite the size of it. “I’ll get some ready,” he stated, and they both headed into the kitchen, silently enjoying the other’s company.

 

\---

 

They loved it when it was just the sides hanging out together, too. 

The domestic moments, when the four of them could just  _ exist _ . They loved doing makeup with Roman, and a curious Patton and somewhat reluctant Logan both being dragged into having theirs done too. They liked listening to random music, watching the others sing and trying to convince Virgil to sing too. 

“Come on, Virgil, we all know you can sing,” Roman pleaded.

“Do I  _ have  _ to?”

“Yes, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance! It’ll be fun,” the creative side told them.

Roman’s begging lead to a whole night of karaoke and other singing related activities (including somehow getting Logan to perform “Guns and Ships,” which the logical side did so artfully Patton and Roman both shed  _ actual tears _ ). 

They could be whatever it was that they truly were, and Virgil appreciated that. “Being yourself,” or whatever it was that people generally said was the truest and best way to be, had always been a strange concept to Virgil. How could anybody  _ want _ the truest version of themself? Them, the one who never actually existed outside of the “in between,” who never fit in one box or another. 

Maybe, they considered as they sat next to Patton at the table while Roman and Logan debated whether or not “fergalicious” was an acceptable word in Scrabble, the in between was an okay place to be.  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> so this is officially the end of this series, unless for some reason im inspired enough to write more for it in the future. (personally, though, i think this is a good place to end it, tbh.)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> check my fics out on [my tumblr](https://pastelvirgil.tumblr.com/tagged/my%20fic)


End file.
